Lovingkindness Meditation: A New Way to Enjoy the Holidays

I feel the holidays establish a love-hate relationship. Half the world is stoked on Hallmark movie marathons, cookies, family dinners and decorations, while the other half almost has a heart attack buying presents, sending cards, zipping through traffic and praying Honey Baked Ham is fully stocked.

The holidays can bring out the worst in people- this is the time of year when more birds are flipped en route to pretty much anywhere- even Midnight Mass, but why?

Where does all this pressure come from? The holidays are like the sun, we know it's coming no matter how we feel.

So how can we ease up on the holidays?

Here's my theory: Lovingkindness meditation.

(Yes, lovingkindness is actually one word).

I got a hard lesson this year in self-love. It's not a lesson I asked for, but it was one I needed to be who I am truly meant to be.

I'm naturally ambitious, and I was the type of person who would invite 20 people over for a dinner and then realize I have no idea how to bake a ham or stuff a turkey. Panic would undoubtedly ensue.

That ambition, motivated by an insecurity that I was not good enough, led me to be extremely hard on myself. And when you hold yourself to impossible standards it tends to trickle down to others- namely the people you love.

So here's my little nugget of holiday wisdom: kindness starts with you.

We are our harshest critics and we somehow train ourselves to think the worst about ourselves- and when we do that, it tends to carry over to the most important people in our lives, and strangers.

I recently completed a six week mindfulness and meditation series with a positive psychology group called Thrive Mind. They saved the hardest, but best session for last:lovingkindness and I'd like to share a series of meditation you can practice anywhere.

It's help changed my life for the better and maybe it can help you. Also if you're feeling this is too hokey or out there for you- there is science behind how this specific kind of meditation actually creates more space between your frontal cortex and your amygdala - your amygdala (aka amy) is what creates a reaction rather than a response- and the more space you create, the more you start to process and view the world in a more positive light. As a wise scientist once said "Science rules."

Step 1: Practice lovingkindness towards yourself.

First of all, we all have days when we are unhappy with ourselves - we get a speeding ticket, or make a big mistake at work, forget a birthday and sometimes telling yourself it's ok, is really flipping hard. Those are the days I find I need to love myself the most.

I like to lay down with one hand on my heart, and one hand on my belly. I do a body scan from toes to head to relax and recognize how my body feels in relation to my thoughts. Is it tense? Where? Can I relax that part of my body and let that tension go?

I then in my head start to say "may I be happy, may I be calm, may I be patient, may I trust, may I love myself." Usually my mind will wander to what makes me happy, calm, when I last exhibited patience, an experience of trust and self love, and then I bring it right back to all the may I's.

I usually do this for about 5-10 minutes, but in our retreat, we were taught to do it 1-2 minutes just to start. Remember meditation is about letting your thoughts come in and go, rather than harp on one.

In my experience I feel incredibly at peace after this and recognize I'm human and I'm doing just fine.

Step 2: Practice Lovingkindness towards someone you love.

When you love yourself, you can show others how much you love them. There's all sorts of research about how sending positive energy towards someone can change how they feel.

To do this I envision the person I love and say "May x be happy, may x be at peace, may x receive love."  I place one hand on my heart sitting up and take a series of deep inhales through the nose and exhales through the mouth.

What happens? Being kind to others makes you feel good about yourself and that person may have a better day.

Worth a try, right?

Step 3: Practice Lovingkindness towards a neutral person.

Neutral to me means someone I might see every once in a while, like the girl at the front desk at a gym, or my bank teller.  I know their name, and that's about it.

To do this, I envision that person and say to myself "I hope you have a great day, I hope you are happy, I hope people thank you."

You can also do this while you're standing in front of the person- it might be weird if you say all these things to their face, but if you say it in your head and smile at the person, you're just sharing some love which is really what we all want, right? To love and be loved?

Step 4: Practice LovingKindness towards someone you really dislike.

For me, I choose Donald Trump everytime. My theory is what in the heck happened to that man that he hates himself so much, he's taking it out on most of the global population? My friend Kara recently backed me up on this and said "if his dad had even said 'I love you' even once, this country might be a different place."

What the heck happened to Donald we may never know, but I've realized talking about how he makes awful, hate inspired decisions has yet to lead him to care about the country more, so I might as well kill him with kindness.

To do this, I envision him and say "I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope you feel fulfilled. I hope you get what you need." (Notice, I avoided want because what he seems to want: world domination, scares the bejesus out of me..).

I'm aware some of this may feel really inauthentic but the goal of lovingkindness is to be authentic. If you know you did something shitty, acknowledge it. "I screwed up today, but I'm a good person."

The same goes for mom's running around Target like it's the Indy 500- I think their intent is to give their kids a great holiday rather than beat you to the last trendy toy of the season and ruin your day.

One of the best places I find myself practicing is while I drive. I used to drive like I was the star of the next Fast and the Furious series. It was fun, but I realized I still got to places in the same amount of time, I probably scared some folk, hurt my brakes, and risked getting a ticket and for what? If I want to speed I can pay to ride around a track where it's legal slash, does that sound like a great Saturday afternoon or what?!

I now drive the speed limit! It's incredible. I ride in the right hand lane. I'm not saying I go 45 in a 70, but I'm saying I hit 72 and I get there when I get there. When I get cut off I think "I hope you get where you need to be." You never know, someone's wife might be in labor, a kid in the hospital, the job offer of a lifetime, or maybe it's a spy saving the world. I find making up a positive story rather than personalize it like "what a jerk! you could have killed me," makes the experience much more enjoyable.

We have a tendency to personalize experiences in negative ways, especially around the holidays.
"I burned the potatoes, I've ruined Christmas."
"I forgot the presents, Chanukah is over!"

Did you really ruin Christmas? Is your family healthy? Do you have food on your table? Is there a roof over your head?

Is Chanukah actually over? Or is day two of eight?

Making mistakes is part of life. (I almost wrote human but then thought- Harry Potter is a wizard and he made lots of mistakes...).

You get a second chance and lovingkindness helps you succeed the second time around- whether it's giving up your parking spot at Whole Foods to the older lady even though your to-do list is as long as Santa's naughty list - or telling yourself the show will go on without the potatoes.

What goes around, comes around- and I've found if I create the space to be kind to myself, I am a much happier, patient, version of myself and people feel that.

Energy is contagious - share the good stuff this holiday season. Take a minute. Pause. Tell yourself you're awesome and press on.