Enjoy the Holidays; Eat the Damn Cookie!

I've expressed the importance of mindfulness throughout the holidays and will continue to do so into the New Year. This week I chose to discuss the loveliness that is eating mindfully during the holidays.

Do you remember how much fun it was to make cookies with your mom or grandma when you were little? You'd get to lick the spoon, cover the floor in sprinkles and then lay around in a sugar coma the rest of the day?

That was pure joy as a child.

But as adults, we spend a large part of the holidays worried about our waistlines.  We groan "oh no, the holiday weight gain is here."

First, let's acknowledge that most of us reading this/ me writing this live in the Northern Hemisphere where you can wear large sweaters and forgiving yoga pants for the following three months post Christmas, so let's worry about our jeans buttoning in April. 

Second, who actually cares?

The point of the holidays is to be mindful and enjoy ourselves, indulge with people who love us no matter what size we are. So I say, eat the damn cookie, the potatoes, the cheese and crackers, the eggnog, the peppermint mochas...but consider eating mindfully.

I can eat the cookie, heck, I can eat all the cookies as long as I feel good about it after.

What does that mean? I eat one cookie; I'm pumped. I eat two; I feel like a giddy kid. I eat 15,  I get the sugar rush, the sugar hangover, the angry stomach, and then the irritable coma where anything outside of laying on the couch is a genuine no-go. But if you can eat 15 cookies and mentally and physically feel great, I say go for it!

I feel like the holidays/life in general has become an all or nothing game. It's either all the cookies or none of them, or buy the best Christmas presents, or none of them. How bout a salad with a side of cookie for change and knock off airpods. 

Let's make this Christmas the Goldilocks Xmas- where everything is just right- a few cookies here and there, champagne at parties, buttered rolls and we do what feels good for ourselves.

What inspired this? Two things:

First, I am bothered by the amount of Instagram spam from fitness studios telling women "time to burn off the holidays!" No- we (I) work out because it's good for us and it's fun.  Cycle after Thanksgiving is actually a great idea because you're so carbed up, your body will bang that class out like the Energizer bunny, but if the sole motivation is to go because of caloric export, yuck.

I like to work out because it makes me feel good. I like to be strong. I like having biceps Michelle Obama would compliment. I like working out because it keeps me out of doctor's offices, and I know my friends will be there and then we'll go to brunch.

But don't get me wrong- I 100 used to be the girl that ate Christmas dinner, felt like a failure, went to the gym on the 26th for three hours and then scheduled my annual 30 day cleanse to start January 2nd accordingly.

And here's what I learned - that's not fun. In fact it is so unnecessarily stressful I wish I'd figured it out sooner.

I struggled with body image issues from age 17-28. I'm 29 now and have enjoyed 1.5 years of being nicer to my body. Do I have days when I think "Shley, lay off the pasta!" or "Dude, your swimsuit is getting tight...let's eat a salad today?" Duh, I'm still a millennial woman, but back in the day it was "Ashley, you'll pay for that cookie," "Remember, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." 

Whoever these women are that believe nothing tastes as good as skinny feels must have grown up on cardboard and Spam because my cooking tastes way better than a pair of size 2 jeans.

I sadly had the mentality that being thin would make people like me more, or it would help me land the job, or go out on more dates, but why? I could blame Cosmo Girl, Gisele Bunchen or living in Milan with a lot of skinny girls...but really it doesn't matter what I look like as long as I shower.

I had/have plenty of friends that could give two shits about my size as long as I'm healthy and happy.

There was a period of my life after my back injury when my weight shot up a lot -like an extra 20 pounds, which is a ton on a 5'4" frame.  Not only did it crush my psyche but gaining weight is the worst thing you can do for a back injury. However, instead of feeling motivated to lose weight because my pain would decrease, I was in it for the vanity.  Now I'm proud to say the clothes fitting well thing is a perk; as long as my bod is healthy and I feel good, who cares?

But before I got to that point I went through a state of feeling like I had to prove myself because of one common statement:  "really? you teach yoga?"  What I heard was, "your body doesn't look like it leaves the couch," when in reality it's actually just cool to meet yoga teachers- we get paid to wear spandex and inspire people.

As long as I knew I was a great teacher and physically strong enough to balance on my head, what did I care what other people  thought?

The thing is no one really cares what size we are except for us, our doctors and our seat partners on tiny airplanes. This statement is inapplicable towards models, but I for one am pretty glad I didn't end up on a runway.

If we feel healthy, can go up stairs without crushing a lung, like how our clothes fit, then that's great because the people who care still love us if we're a size 10 or a size 6.

The second reason I was inspired to write this post is because I accidentally lost a lot of weight this fall and found myself saying "remember when I thought losing that last 10 pounds would make my life better? LOL. I'd gladly gain weight to feel better right now."

My docs assure me my new weight is healthy for my 5'4" frame, but I feel weird. I mean this body is cool, my boobs no longer crush my face in shoulder stand, and handstand floats are easier, but I look forward to putting on a few pounds of muscle in the New Year.

If you're in the mindset I was aged 17-28, you may be thinking "Fuck off, who complains about losing weight?" I am right there with you. Did I, Ashley Cleanse Master Hughes ever think I'd utter the words "I want to gain weight."? Helllll no. 

The thing is that I used to think losing that extra 15 pounds would exponentially better my life- that it would somehow lead me to everything I wanted.

But when I had to drop an unexpected $187.00 on all new bras after wearing a sport bra to an interview because that's all that fit, I questioned how losing weight makes everything better.

Does it make some things better? Sure. Am I walking on water? No.

At any weight I still have the same loving parents, friends, job opportunities, and for my generation's sake, Instagram followers. I still love to travel, eat pasta and yoga. I can hike, ski and ride a horse. I still find myself to be hilarious, have great hair, big blue eyes and freckles.

My life is not better because I weigh less. My life is better because I love and appreciate my body for what it is, that I nourish it with foods that taste good and boost my immune system, that I exercise because it's fun and that my quads are strong enough to ski all day. 

My personal theory now that I'm an evolved body positive 29 year old is that if I want to lose weight it's because it's for me; losing weight will make me feel better- like I have more energy, my sleep schedule is legit, my skin is glowing. I very much bought into the #fitspo world- and don't get me wrong, I love to inspire people to get fit, but being fit means something different to everyone. It's important to remember that the women on gram smiling in their after bbg photos also lead imperfect lives and probably want to eat the cookie. Health is not black and white.

I feel like the holidays can make us hyper focused around the negative- how we look, eat, dress, impress blah blah blah - it's exhausting. Just enjoy the holidays, eat the damn cookie. Avoid spending 11 years of your life worrying about your pant size and just feel good about yourself. Can you imagine donning a pretty dress, drinking wine, and eating a frosted cookie? Sounds like heaven to me. How often are we presented with platters of homemade desserts and copious amounts of free alcohol? ONCE A YEAR. Soak it up y'all.

What helps me be more body positive?

1. If the ocean has angry swells or is perfectly calm, is it still the ocean? Yes. The ocean is still an ocean no matter what it looks like. Just like I'm still Ashley no matter what I look like.

2. Eating mindfully. There are all sorts of YouTube videos that can guide you to mindfully eat a raspberry, a piece of chocolate and a raison that can change your entire eating experience. 

3. Remember how many people care about me for being me, rather than my size at Lululemon.

However, I will share my size if you feel like sending me some wonderunders for xmas...

EAT.THE.COOKIE.