Taken: A Story of When My Parents Thought I Was Kidnapped

When you are an only child, live out of a suitcase, and have a dad that really enjoys a Liam Neeson thriller, you are the ideal victim of identity theft and Internet scams.

I’m not talking about that one time someone purchased $10,000 worth of comforters at Macy’s on my AmEx (Like what? Were you opening your own hotel?), but of those hilarious scams you hear about but have never actually had happen to you.

Unless of course you are me, because my life is not real life, but rather a series of theatrical events.

First let’s discuss how the “Taken 1” trailer came out the year I was an exchange student in high school.  Second let’s acknowledge “Taken 2” came out the day I moved to Berlin. Third, we must recognize “Taken 3” opened in theaters the day I chose to work in Brazil.

More importantly, we should probably discuss why in the world “Taken” became a trilogy, because statistically, it is impossible to be related to people who are kidnapped that many times unless you are running a terrorist cell or came in contact with Pablo Escobar. Truly, Liam, the time to re-evaluate your career choices was in the middle of “Taken 1.”

All that aside – if you are like me and live out of a suitcase and your parents have access to a TV, do not let your parents watch “Taken.” Parents already worry about you the moment you step outside your apartment, your car, or ride the train- do not allow them to let their own minds wander that you, their child, could potentially be sold into a prostitution ring to a behind the Iron Curtain Eastern European nation.  Just don’t. The will power my parents have not to text me every hour of every day is impressive.

However, it truly does not help when you are allegedly kidnapped in Spain by Nigerians and carry a ransom of $300,000- a message that was sent out to your entire address book from your fifth grade aol email account (funnybune3@aol.com).

LOL LOL LOL is right.

To clarify, we are laughing at my email, which to ensure correct pronunciation was “funnybunny”  - it was a long “e” ok! The correct spelling was taken, just like I was…allegedly.

It is February 2011; it is a Saturday. It is also seven a.m. and my first weekend off in months and you know what happens- my phone goes off.  For anyone pre-millennial age you will judge me for sleeping next to my phone, but my phone is my watch, calendar…you know what? Fine, my phone is my life. What have you?

Anywho, it’s early for an undergrad and I’m in Minnesota snuggled as a bun when I get a frantic call from Cheryl (the madre) that went something like this.

Me: “Hello?”

Mom: “Ashley, is that you?”

Me: “Mom, it is seven a.m on a Saturday, what is wrong with you?”

Mom: “Ashley, are you in the United States?”

Me: “What the hell?”

Mom: “Ashley Elizabeth, where are you?”

Me: “Mom, I am in bed.”

Mom: “What country are you?”

Me: “Mom, this is a joke. You woke me up for this?”

Mom: “Your high school Spanish teacher and Mrs. Stipek just called to make sure you are OK.”

Me: “I’m a little hungover, but I’m fine…”

Mom: “So you’re not in Spain or Nigeria?”

Me: “Why would I voluntarily go to Nigeria?”

Mom: “So you are in Minnesota? You didn’t go on another trip and not inform me or your father again?”

Me: “Is this a real conversation?”

Mom: “Your email was hacked and your entire address book received an email that you’ve been kidnapped with a ransom from Spain to Nigeria for $300,000.”

Me: “I’m only worth $300,000? How rude?”

Mom: “Ashley Elizabeth, this is serious.”

Me: “Mom, this is also hilarious. I am going back to bed.”

Mom: “So you are in Minneapolis.”

Me: “Pretty sure, yep, yes, I am.”

Mom: “Ok, I will tell everyone not to send money.”

Me: “They can still send money….”

Mom: “I’m so proud.”

You have to admit, it’s quite the status symbol when people think you may actually be kidnapped because no one really ever knows where you are. I write this as I sit in Milan, where I’m supposed to be studying for finance, but I’ve decided my Return on Investment (or ROI if you will) from this semester will be unavoidable weight gain and this post.

(Aside I did write this in February 2017).

So for everyone who thinks my life is just so glam, or so adventurous, just remember sometimes you might get fake kidnapped, and learn your monetary value is much lower than what you thought…

But serious props to everyone who called/emailed/ freaked out my parents to ensure I was in fact safe and not a matter of national security.

Seriously though? $300,000? With this million-dollar smile? What.A.Joke.