The Faults in Our Stars

Now before I get into how I feel about the sun, the moon and the stars, we should acknowledge that I signed up for Astronomy my freshmen year of college. The first thing out of the professor’s mouth was “if you’re here to study the stars and create your own horoscope – that is Astrology; this is Astronomy.”

Needless to say I got a C in that class. To save face, I was not the only kid in class who sat their stupefied and went through a series of emotions that included but was not limited to shock, awe, disappointment and shame.

So Astrology- I feel that no matter what your stance is on the subject, whether you check the paper every day for how many stars you’ll have to those who think astrology is a bunch of cockamamie, you’ll still appreciate my take on the whole thing.  

As noted, I’m a yoga teacher- this means I get into all the hippie-dippie things like “Mercury Retrograde” and “The Saturn Return.” (If you have no idea what either of those things mean, I will explain soon). I have also always had an appreciation for my star sign Aries. I am a decendent of the God of War – natural born leader, impulsive, loyal, spontaneous, heart of gold, but our mouths get us into trouble all the time.  If there was ever an accurate description written about me, it is everything ever posted on Pinterest regarding Aries.

So in sum, I like astrology. I get a kick out of reading my daily horoscope on Vice and then I like to lay in bed before I fall asleep and try to attribute everything that happened during the day to that prediction.  I don’t always buy into it all, but it is fun; especially when my day says my psychic abilities will increase. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? I will probably never be able to tell you, but it sounds cool.

The point I’m trying to make is that astrology is entertaining; it makes me feel connected to a much more interesting society like the Greeks and their Pagan gods. However, astrology is also my scape goat and go-to joke when I’m trying to get new yogis into yoga.

When I teach yoga, I teach based on my personal life. I create sequences, themes and playlists all derived from my current emotional state and recent experiences. Like if I just need something to go smoothly I’ll create a gentle flow. If I need to be reminded I’m a strong, independent woman I will throw in a lot of arm balances, and if I am having the best day ever, don’t be surprised if I toss in some gangsta rap into Sun A’s.

I would say since I became a yoga teacher, my life has more or less been a shit show. This is not correlated with joining a yoga community, but because of forces of the universe known respectively (or not respectively) as Mercury Retrograde and The Saturn Return.

There have been many ups and downs in the last few years. This is something I typically refer to the mid-twenties experience. It’s a time in life when you have all the necessary tools to reach your personal potential in whatever capacity you want: professionally or unprofessionally. But it’s also a time when you don’t really know what you want, who you want to be, what you want to be etc. Basically it’s a big slap in the face by the five W’s and the 1 H on a daily basis.

And it’s a lot.

But one of the ways I’ve come to terms with this, slash like to make my over the top serious friends/yoga teachers break a smile, is to blame the universe- namely Mercury Retrograde and The Saturn Return.

Believe what you want, but here’s what those terms actually mean…at least according to the Internet.

Mercury Retrograde:

In the world of astrology, Mercury is the ruling planet of communication, travel, and schedules. Which for me is more or less my daily life.

The physical act of retrograde means that throughout certain times of the year, Mercury appears to move backwards which causes all of its ruling capacities to go haywire. Most likely during this time you will struggle to communicate in a fruitful way, plans will be canceled, and your energy will be low.

According to the v. reputable source: Pinterest, these are times of the year when you may find yourself acting more like an asshole than usual and tempers flare. For some people you may be able to use the excuse “sorry for everything I said during Mercury retrograde.” This is a phrase that will probably only work on your very aloof, vegan yoga friends and not your boss, but if you decide to try it on your boss, please let me know how that goes.

The Saturn Return:

Again, in the world of astronomy, Saturn circles back to the star sign in which you were born every 27-29 years. For example Saturn would be in the constellation of Aries anytime between when I turned 27 and now. This is why your late 20’s, like mine, may be a total (but hopefully worth it) shit show. It’s been quoted as a sort of cosmic awakening, or my personal favorite term: a “cosmic bat mitzvah.” This astrological debutant series is to introduce you to society in a more mature role. (If that means no more yoga pants in the office, then I don’t want to fulfill my return!).

Saturn is known as the tough life coach among the planets and will challenge you to the max. You are supposed to fail royally. As far as failing royally goes, I am great at it. So as for how my Saturn return is going, I could really use a win over here Saturn.

To glean a little more insight, there are typically three big dates throughout your Saturn Return and you can calculate them yourself by googling “Calculate my Saturn Return.” 

Throughout my Saturn Return as an Aries, I am supposed to learn how to be a leader without doing everything myself, which is why instead of providing all the important dates/details based on signs outside of mine, you can figure out your own. Take that Saturn!  You are a strong independent man or woman and I believe in you.

If you are looking for a testament to these three important dates, I would direct you to my friend JoAnna who on the first date of her Saturn Return suffered a traumatic brain injury and on the second two important dates met her boyfriend (however they've since parted ways), and landed an amazing job. She went through absolute hell, but she’s coming out on top. She’s seven months older than me, so I’m hoping my turnaround time comes soon and preferably without being hit by two cars while biking resulting in my almost death in the middle of the road. But to each their own.

I landed the awesome boyfriend, so now if I could just be gainfully employed, that would be flipping stellar for not only myself, but my bank account, ego, hopes and dreams and most importantly my parents who can finally say “everything we’ve supported her through instead of saying ‘that’s a bad idea, don’t do it!’ will be worth it!”

So there you have it - Mercury Retrograde and The Saturn Return, two big universal forces you can laugh at, believe in or blame for anything and everything happening throughout your day to day life or your life every 27-29 years.

Have a four-star day out there team,

Shley